Eschew the monumental

Shun the Epic. All the guys who can paint great big pictures can paint great small one

ernest hemingway

how to answer the question about your nationality without feeling awkward about it

In this post, we are answering your long lingering question, quest for finding a way to express your disbelief in defining yourself through your nationality. although it might play a tiny part in conservations, even as a box to be filled in an application for a trivilous card, you might still feel a bit of out of space, uneasy when asked about your national identity. You might want to start telling, how complicated it is to just nail it down with a word. You might want to raise the shattering of identities, or tell how sick and constructed it is. Or say, or ask the person how often does s/he really thinks about her/his national identity? And even it seems like a very simple-straightforward question, what it actually refers to, in everyday conversation is, where you are from, under which lights, weather conditions you grown up, where your accent come from, to locate you, although they might not have a particular idea about that part of the world. What they know would be generic, even streotypical. but yet, an idea about what kind person you might be, a touchy mediterranean, a whining middle easterner, a loud north american, laid back latin american?
anyway, all those things aside, you face a very simple question on the surface of it. But then it is not that simple for you. You would like to talk about, how you think the founder of the turkish identity actually formulated a performative national identity, by saying anyone that says I am turkish is turkish.
but you cannot do that, at least not to everyone.
so I was thinking a way of telling it, just answering the question with a word, but twisting it. Try stressing the -ish at the end, which gives the meaning of approximity to the word. which will eliminate the preciseness, the contained nature, circumscribed borders of national identity. and dont forget to wave your hands, on a horizontal axis, to underpin your emphasis on the approximate.

land·mark: studio practice as a series of landmark to track down the change

 [ˈlændˌmɑrk]

noun

1.

a prominent or conspicuous object on land that serves as a guide, especially to ships at sea or to travelers on a road; a distinguishing landscape feature marking a site or location: The post office served as a landmark for locating the street to turn down.

2.

something used to mark the boundary of land.

3.

a building or other place that is of outstanding historical, aesthetic, or cultural importance, often declared as such and given a special status (landmark designation),  ordaining its preservation, by some authorizing organization.

4.

a significant or historic event, juncture, achievement, etc.: The court decision stands as a landmark in constitutional law.

verb (used with object)

5.

to declare (a building, site, etc.) a landmark: a movement to landmark New York's older theaters.

to sync

with the other

"avoid any kind of craft...therefore any kind of style"

says david shrigley.
"starts with a text then becomes an image than becomes text
describing what does not need to described"
translating what does not need to be translated

body techniques-habilis-craft: readings for embodied knowledge

Body techniques

Mauss describes 'techniques of the body' as highly developed body actions that embody aspects of a given culture. Techniques may also be divided by such as gender and class (for example in the manner of walking or eating).

These include such as eating, washing, sitting, swimming, running, climbing, swimming, child-rearing, and so on.

The techniques are adapted to situations, such as aboriginal squatting where no seats are available. Techniques are thus a 'craft' (Latin: habilis) that is learned.
Hence I have had this notion of the social nature of the 'habitus' for
many years. Please note that I use the Latin word-it should be understood
in France-habitus. The word translates infinitely better than
'habitude' (habit or custom), the 'exis', the 'acquired ability' and 'faculty'
of Aristotle (who was a psychologist). It does not designate those
metaphysical habitudes, that mysterious 'memory', the subjects of
volumes or short and famous theses. These 'habits' do not just vary
with individuals and their imitations, they vary especially between
societies, educations, proprieties and fashions, prestiges. In them we
should see the techniques and work of collective and individual practical
reason rather than, in the ordinary way, merely the soul and its
repetitive faculties.
(Mauss, 1973, p.73).

The teaching of these methods is what embeds the methods and the teaching is embedded within cultures and schools of teaching. A pupil who becomes a teacher will likely teach what they are taught.

Norbert Elias and Pierre Bourdieu developed the ideas further in habitus, the non-discursive aspects of culture that bind people into groups, including unspoken habits and patterns of behavior as well as styles and skill in body techniques.


Bourdieu, Pierre. 1977. Outline of a Theory of Practice, Cambridge: Cambridge University Press
Elias, N. (1978). The History of Manners. The Civilizing Process: Volume I. New York: Pantheon Books
Elias, N. (1982). Power and Civility. The Civilizing Process: Volume II. New York: Pantheon Books
Mauss, Marcel. 1934. Les Techniques du corps, Journal de Psychologie 32(3-4). Reprinted in Mauss, Sociologie et anthropologie, 1936, Paris: PUF


Fieldnotes may be no more than a trigger for bodily and a hitherto subconscious memories. We cannot write down the knowledge at the time of experiencing it, although we may retrospectively write of it in autobiographical modes. The specific ways in which we learned awaits recounting (Okely 1978). Bourdieu notes how the body can be treated “ as a memory” (1977: 94), it cannot always be consciously controlled. Anthropologists acquire a different bodily memory in fieldwork experience as an adult in another culture. The commonplace analogy between the anthropologist and a child learning another culture is misleading since the anthropologist is already formed and shaped by history. He or she has no change or superimpose new experience upon past embodied knowledge (Mauss 1938), and come to terms with a changing self embodied in new contexts.

Okeley, J. (1992). Anthropology and autobiography: Participatory experience and embodied knowledge.Routledge. London and NY, p. 16

the thing is

The in between space of the stranger, newcomer, misfit, how she encounters her attachements, conditionings, herself, her culturally informed self, in another context, another culture. Culture as a set of –more or less- established formulas, problem solving strategies towards daily questions, obstacles, a set of reflexes.
What I am looking at is, getting used to it, settling down, trying to  fit, connect, relate, understand, perform within it. to be fluent. ill always be stammering. so many things to catch up.
Attaching, settling down without growing roots.
Yerleşmek, yerleşememek, yerlileşememek,
carrying a sense of home with, witnessing how the old habits change.
the relation I build up between here and there. the way i stay here, the way i dwell there.
my stay here is time-matter based, up there it is a timeless bond.
the way my history unearths itself with every fresh, unknown, unfamiliar encounter which requires another history to be able to properly respond, act. even to behave improperly, you should know what is proper. i cannot here. that forces you to adopt, develop other criteria. based on... short term memory? to go through a set of fast track disappointments?throw yourself into the wilderness?

falda nessie görmek

bugün bi kafede oturmuş kitabımı ve kendimi kısa bir sanatçı konaklama programına misafir ediyodum. küçük fincan kahvesi içilmiş ve de kahve köpükleri ardında izlerini bırakmıştı bardakta. alışkanlık işte, bi de boş fincanın kitaptan bir mola gibi masada durup durup gözüme takılmasından olacak, köpüklerin şekillerine bakmaya başladım. işte nessie tam orda karşımda duruyodu.

the tune, tone, mode of the experience

and the implication of it in its artifacts.
mushy? tacky? timid? not to much revealing? to occupying?

making sense of that distance between in another sense

1.in the video, the audience is the making (or cooking) of a metric ruler, on a piece of wood. as to what that piece of wood or length of wood is we have no idea. so one thing that might be lost in the video could be that the evenly distributed centimeters on the wood actually does not overlap with the actual, standard measurement units. but the hand intervenes into the screen to give a sense of proportion, scale. with the guidance, reference point of the hand we can tell that the numbers and the intervals are bigger-larger than they supposed to be.
a pinch of reddish dust is sparkled on the surface, than we watch the making of a ruler, a measuring device being mad. some thought that it was red soil, some, looking at the actual object in the space (where I used cumin) said it is sand.
but I guess it is a measuring and knowing with the limit of one's material and one's self.
in a sense we are witnessing the invention of a new ruler.
a ruler assumes a straight line between two points. a shortcut. to make things easly translatable into one another.
the empty space available for the bookcase you are planning to buy, and the space the bookcase occupy, the dimensions of the bookcase.
measuring gives you an abstract number, idea that can be translatable into a concrete thing again.
making my way in a new culture which have its own kind of practices,  I am looking for the right times, right moments, right moves. seizing the responses, reactions, and adjusting my responses, registering them to my vocabulary to act, perform better next time, at the next encounter.
A şehrinden B şehrine gitmekte olan...
2.
someone is making a ruler with a dusty material: what would you think?
Dust: ephemeral material, very fragile to exterior conditions. a dust, a shake, a mistake can dismantle it.
ruler: standard, rigid, universal, as rigid as stone. you take it as a reference. you measure the size, dimension of things with it. than note it down, carry  your measurements with you, and with another ruler you can remake, recreate the actual size of the object that is not there anymore.
it makes object portable without carrying them. you can carry the physical dimensions of objects in your pocket.
it is a perfect translation, when the only thing you want to know it the dimensions, weight.
like a receipe; following the instructions, mixing the stated amounts of stuff together in the right order.
a handmade ruler: personal, imperfect.
customized, not translatable.
then, there is the futile attempt of doing it, the excessive amount of time spent doing that futile thing.
both because it is not translatable but also it is waste of time.

dance first

 think later. it is the natural order.
samuell beckett

stills, rather than footage?

performance stills
video stills
diary stills
head notes
foot notes
field notes

rather refrain myself from recording, documenting, and the work being a raw documentary. what would an autoethnographic documentary  look like?
because I did not want to throw myself onto the others. it is not about me.

autoethnopoiesis

nasıl? bence süper. akademik camiaya benden bi kıyak olsun.
doing ethnography through making, in the sense heidegger uses it.

reflexivity-self-reflexivity-reflective-?

as fluid as

a glass of water
hani su gidenin ardindan dokulen

küesşıns

As an embodied ethnographic writing in the field, how can auto-ethnographic methodology be applied to practice-based research? If I am to follow the basic principles of ethnography, how should I approach towards my field, the work at the field? How does an artist-researcher evaluate the data collected, and how does she collect data in the first place? If ethnographic methodology follows fieldwork, data collection, description of the data and analysis of the data that develops into a comphrehensive, coherent body of writing, how does this methodology corresponds does it have to correspond? Can these approaches combine to inform each other or make something new? to practice-based research, how can it be developed in the working process of the artists who deals with the writing of one’s self, informed by cultural context? How can the work of art can go beyond a “descriptive accounts of the field studied” (Rapport, 2004, p.93) perhaps see issues around the sensual turn? without sacrificing the problematics intrinsic to the discipline of art? These are some of the questions, auto-ethnographic methodology raises for the practising artist, that need to be studied.

fruitful-footfool

the way it fills my mouth, it shapes my mouth, makes me rethink about its meaning. it is a funny combination actually, fruit full, sounds like an invention of 4 years old.

simplicity

sometimes I feel like the whole idea of phd is about robbing me off from saying things, being able to say simple things in their simple ways. which makes them loose their simple,straightforward power.

Tiga-hot babe bize ortaya bir yolculuğa

this is what the korean status update supposed to tell me.
so tell me, what does it supposed to mean?

garip kuş: Boby tear drops

çok inanılmaz, bobby teardrops nedir ya? ağlak babi?

what is in a name

esra
ezra
isra
esta
estelle

playlist for a life in oscillation track 1

dönmek, mümkün mü artık dönmek
onca yollardan sonra
yeniden yollara düşmek
neresi sıla bize, neresi gurbet
al bizi koynuna ipek yolları
üstümüzden geçiyor gökkuşağı
sevdalı bulutlar, uçan halılar
uzak değil dünyanın kapıları
neresi sıla bize, neresi gurbet
yollar bize memleket
gitmek, mümkün mü artık gitmek
onca yollardan sonra
yeniden yollara düşmek
neresi sıla bize, neresi gurbet
rakılı akşamlar, gün batımları
çocuk gibi ağlar yaz sarhoşları
olmamış yaşamlar, eksik yarınlar
hatırlatır herşey eski aşkları
neresi sıla bize, neresi gurbet
yollar bize memleket...


çocuk gibi ağlar yaz sarhoşları
al bizi koynununa ipek yolları
olmamış yaşamlar, eksik yarınlar
nersi sıla bize neresi gurbet...
murathan mungan

processing factual, the lived experience

maybe the reason why I am not going for raw is to process it, to digest it. as a result of spending time with it, dwelling on it more, from the perspective of a non-documentarist. it does not mean going as raw as possible does not mean a less well-thought attitude. I am so inclined to go side ways, to look into its detail, to find something else, which ends up being sometimes too much processed, too hermetic, too enclosed to itself.
there are things you cannot show with mere facts, mere visuals, video records.
closing the gap between experience and expression is not that straightforward, it needs other strategies.

body

the most portable medium, her ne kadar bazen sürüklemek zorunda bıraksa da insanı

hayırlara vesile olsun-1

frames for daily talks
daily wishes, which are almost empty, yet habitual.
 a canadian friend once asked me how to say thank you in turkish, right after landing to turkey. she said it feels awkward not being able to do so. I reckon, it undoes, challenges the usual order, narrative of things. you realize their weight and emptiness when you are deprived of them, it feels awkward not being able to give the exlamations, expressions at the necessary moments.

restless sunday the 29th: documentation-(re)presenting reality?

on one hand there is the ephemerality of art work turning into documentation, the documentation outbeating the actual work, event, performance, due to its commodifiability (instititution-wise a must, see Henry Sayre) and recalllability (to recall, remember, and thus re-enact the actual experience with the aid of memory, imagination).
that of the 70s.

then there is the "documentary turn" (yes another turn), that takes the video/photographic record, that does not take the social discourse, realm as raw material (Papastergiadis) to be processed within an aesthetic language, but to present it with all its rawness.
while trying to engage with the social, with what Foster calls  horizontal ways of working, the ethics of representing others, and the affect, impact the work produces becomes more preliminary than the object itself. the experience becomes more crucial. it is an intervention on reality. but again its modes, modalities, its way of approaching, its materiality is sometimes too much neglected. (I feel)

yazmak

içimizle dilimiz arasındaki mesafeyi kelimelerle kapatmaya çalışan adamdır yazar dediğin
murathan mungan,

regina jose galindo-looting

I've heard about this work on yesterday's symposium. a vague image on one of the slide shows, it did not unravel itself until the speaker told about the story behind the almost invisible object on a conventional museum display, the gold fillings that the artist had in guatemala, which she got it removed in Berlin. performing, underlining the colonial history, colonial relations with her body.
 the remnant of the performance does work quite successfully in this particular work, although I can only imagine how the remnants, relics of this performance were displayed. the work exists in the form of narrative, anecdote, story for me. which makes me think about my own work, and how to incorporate the story, context, process into the work.
on Galindo's own website there is one image for the looting, artist's mouth wide opened with a medical tool, showing her teeth. and a spanish text. the work's existence has become a circulating story, and as the oral account, document, narrative of the performance it is more telling than the object on display.
Is the object necessary in this case?
Do we need to witness the event as audience?
Do we need to be there in Venice biennial and see the golden fillings on red cushions?
considering that in her other works Galindo's body is overly present, exposed, the process is documented from the beginning to the end, there is a big shift in relating the audience with the actual performance. A more subtle, and toned down voice that would (i imagine) make the audience to dwell on it longer, not feeling intimidated by that body thrown onto us, as is with most of the performance, body art, that does not try to outbeat us.

kenar işi

havlu kenarı
su kenarı
halı kenarı
yazma kenarı
nesneden nesneye daha yumuşak geçelim diye mi
sınırı yumuşatalım diye mi

24-12-2011

sokaktaki oyuna bi son verip eve gitme saati

hava çok kararmadan, ezan okunmadan eve gelmesi belletilen, apartmanın önünden çok uzaklaşmadan kadim sokak çocuğunun daha saat üç-dörtken kararan havayla imtihanı. ruhuna, çocukluğuna dokunuyo tabi böyle tez kararan havalar, tadına doyulmamış, fazla erken bırakılmak zorunda bırakılmış oyunu hatırlatıyo. tabi böyle yerlerden çıkar zamanı karanlığın yoğunluğuna göre değil de başka dışarlak bi sistemle okumaya, hayatı düzenlemeye kalkmak.
oyun zamanından ötesi zamanı bi seri fazla dikkat, mesai istemeyen şeylerle geçiştirmeye alışık bünye, ilk başlarda kestiremiyor nasıl başa çıkacağını bu karanlık, uzun ve boş zamanla.
gün aheste aheste doğuyor, gece bitmiyor. perdeyi açıp kapatmak biraz manasız bi hal alıyor kışın. ya da alışık olduğumuz nedenlerden yürütülmüyor o seremoni. hani gündüz eve biraz güneş girsin diye, gece de komşular bizi görmesin diye değil de, mevsimine göre kışın camdan gelen soğuğu azıcık kesebilmek için, yazın da batmak bilmeyen aydınlıktan azıcık kurtulup uyuyabilmek için.
bazen sabahları birazcık uyandığımda, fakat bünyem tamamen uyanmamak için bahaneler aradığında, ama uyanmam da gerektiğini bildiğimden, perdeleri sonuna kadar açıp biraz daha aydınlanmasını bekliyorum ortalığın,karşıdaki kilisenin çatısına bakarak. hava bulutluysa o günün benim uyanmama yetecek kadar aydınlık olması çok mümkün olmuyor. uzun uzun, boş boş gökyüzüne bakışımdan kendimi günlük rutinle silkeleyerek çıkabiliyorum.  ezbere bildiğim yerlerden başlayıp, bilmediğim yerleri gider ayarak doldurarak. iki bardak çay, kahvaltı, içerlek ve dışarlak haberler.

dökümantasyon

türkçede evirip çevirecek olursak, dökümünü yapmak, hem malum olduğu üzere belgelemek, süreci madde madde, tane tane görünür hale getirmeyi getiriyo akla, hem de çoğaltma, orjinalin bi nevi tercümesi manasına geliyor heykelin, ya da sanayinin terimleriyle düşünecek olursak. evvela bir "orijinal"imizin, sonra bu orjinali başka bir materyale tercüme edebilmek için ara safha olarak kalıbımızın, en nihayetinde de bu kalıbın içini doldurup, orjinalin temasını tekrarlayan dökümümüzün olması gerek. 
şu çerçevede döküm, orjinalin izinden üreyen, kendine has dokusu, ağırlığı olan bi temsil.
bu mekanik döküm hikayesini zamana ağır bi şekilde tabi, hatta zamanı en ağırlıklı iletişim aracı, kendine medyum, aracı belirleyen pratiğe, performansa tercüme edebilir miyiz?

sade, başı-sonu belli bi kitap dökümantasyonu projesinden çıkışımdan kalan sorular bunlar. tabi bi hafta öncesinin duvarları boyalı, kendine has bi dokunulmamışlığı, mekanın sağır ve dilsizliğinden ileri gelen başedilmez ağırlığı olan canım okulumun bir proje odasına olan biteni, yapıp ettiklerimi sığdırmaya çalışmanın yenilgisi de var bunun ardında.
bi oda nihayetinde, bomboş. herşeyin birbiriyle konuşması, birbirini ayakta tutması lazım.
ve gösterdiklerimin bi eylemin kalıntıları olduğu düşünülürse, zaten zamanından kopmuş bu yüzer gezer nesneler çok da konuşmuyor ayan beyan. sonra konuşan duvardaki çivi izi, priz evleri, armudun sapı, üzümün çöpü oluyor.
nasıl dökülür peki, nasıl anlatılır, kelime kelime söylemeden?

zafer şenocak-doppelman

ich trage zwei Welten in mir

aber keine ist ganz

sie bluten ständig

die Grenze verläuft

mitten durch meine Zunge

I carry two worlds within me

but neither one whole

they're constantly bleeding

the border runs

right through my tongue

Tim Oakes,Patricia Lynn Price
cultural geography reader içinde 

bi katalog/portfolyo olmakla jurnal/itinerary/döküm olmak arasında

işlerin malzemesi, tekniği vs. yazmak, malzeme ve tekniği baskı tekniği, kağıt üzeri bıdı bıdı şeklinde yazarak çok da alakalı olmayacak şu durumda
asıl malzeme-süreç başka bi şey.
haritadan ne yaptığım, haritaya ne yaptığım.
bi buket çiçeğin başına gelenler
yani daha çok eylem-yüklem
bunu şöyle şunu böyle yaptım diyerek kelime kelime çevirisini mi yapıcaz o vakit?
Arnd Schneider-Christopher Wright antropolojinin meselelerine öyle ya da bulaşan sanat pratiğinin göz önünde bulundurması gereken mevzulardan birinin de temsil problemi olduğunu söylüyor. başkasını temsil etmenin, onun karşısında, yakınında, yanında durma etiğinin ötesinde bu karşılaşmanın nasıl kelimenin, metnin ötesine geçebileceğini, saha çalışmasının datasının nasıl bir araya getirileceğinin, sunulacağının (to re-present) düşünülmesi gerektiğinden dem vuruyor. bir nesne üretmekten ziyade, temsilin olasılıkları üzerine düşünülmeli buyuruyor zat-ı alleri.
dağınık saha çalışmasının akabinde gelen bu "son" görüntü, panaroma, araştırmanın, yapılan işin mekanından uzakta, doğrudan deneyimin geride kaldığı bir başka zamanda, başkalarının karşısına çıkıyor. temsili etkileyen en büyük etken de bu, hanki kurumsal ilişkilerin, dilin içinde bu karşılaşmanın oluşacağı. yani seyirci.
bazen simon starling hikaye yazsa okusam diyesim geliyor. çoğu kez uzun, çetrefilli, ve poetik yolculuklarının galerinin içindeki varlığından pek bir şey sirayet etmiyor bünyeye. ve sadece duvardaki açıklayıcı yazı, serginin kurulduğu kurumun kriterlerine göre üç aşağı beş yukarı değişen, ama işin doğasıyla her zaman çelişen nitelikte sade, net ve açık yazı, o jesti ayakta tutuyor.
hal böyleyken, doktoranın pratik kısmının "final submission"ı olarak kitap formunda karar kılmak işimi kolaylaştırdığı kadar yenilgiyi kabul etmek gibi geliyor. bir yandan seyircinin-beklentinin doğası gereği, evet başka türlü olamazdı diyorum. bir yandan da hala metne dönmek, bol resimli olsa bile bana çıkmaza girdiğimi söylüyor. öte yandan üç boyutlu mekandaki yenilgi de var. alt yazı olmadan olmuyor sanki. kafa karışık zira.
nasıl belgelenir, yakalanır geçmekte olan zaman?
zamanı malzeme yapan jest?
kalıntılarla mı, sözle mi, fotoğraflarla mı?
gene Arnd Schneider-Christopher Wright e dönecek olursak, text değil texture.
metin değil metanet?
yazı değil yazgı?
kelime oyunlarıyla pratiğin çıkmazlarının üstünü kapatabilir miyim?

"hamleyi işe çevirmek"

işine atölyenin, iş üzerine tefekkürün tozunun kaçması. zor zanaat.
"presencing the experience"
belki de zamanı ima eden işin bu yüzden bi ağırlığı var. eylemi iması, görünenin altındaki hikayeyi aralıyor. bi alt yazı, başlık, obje yanı metniyle değil, karşılaştığımız tecrübenin fiziksel olarak verdiği ipuçlarıyla.
bozuk parayı tararken kağıdın üzerinden, kalemin kağıdın üzerine karalayarak baskısını, izini çıkardığı gibi camın saydam yüzeyini tarayıp, dokusunu kara kalem çalışmak.  camın saydamlığı, ya da duvarın kütlesiyle oynayarak, kağıdın yüzeyine tercüme ederek nesnelere dair tecrübelerimizin ağırlığıyla oynuyor Anna Barriball.
 kara kalemin parıltılı karanlığıyla üstünü kapatarak dökümünü yapıyor.

daring to be slight. undoing the thick layers, showing the bare reality in a way that still leaves a room for others, but has its own full-filling presence.

what are you looking for

a strange fruit that does not grow here

günısısıyla çalışan kompleks makine

dün fazlasıyla güzel, parlak, aydınlık, açıkken hava,edinburga yaraşır derecede gözü acıtacak kadar keskinken gökyüzü, bugün aynı yakışıklılık içinde bulutlu, gri, yağmurlu. sabahın dokuzu güneşin daha yeni yeni doğmaya niyetlendiği zamana denk ışık-gölge skalasında.

retouch on auto-ethno review

i was reading through the paper I have written a year ago. in that paper, relying on Pratt's article on the contact zone, her description of a.e. as a means where the native re-writes, represents herself with the representations drawn by the dominant, kind of a critical dialogue with those representations. And then I was relating it to Bill Aschcroft's concept of habitation, a strategy of “the colonised and dislocated peoples”, as a means to
"transform that external cultural pressure which constricts them because it extends through the widening horizons of the experience of place, from the intensely personal (often regarded as the province of poetics) to the global" (Aschcroft, 2001, p.158). I now realize that it is bit of far fetched reading of autoethnography. the relations I saw at that time looks a bit forced to me at the moment. it almost describes autoethnography as a form of dwelling. The practices of dwelling into the new language is the focus of my research, it is the habitation, the tinkering of the migrant as Bourriaud call it. this is the field.
a.e. is a tool to look at it, a forked sword that penetrates into the researcher first as a subject and as the object of research.
taking of from Nigel Rapport’s perception of ethnography as (also) the embodiment of the local practice, so slowly growing native is a side effect of fieldwork.

kabak tadı

the feeling of wearyness, haggardness is overwhelming. I dont want to tell the same things over and over again. ıt is the end where the research-practice on that specific topic starts to become an old chestnut, that it cannot push.
we spoke around two tea plates filled with flat and white tea.
it becomes like a conversation piece, where I drag someone into the work and develop a chat on-around it.
at the moment I so dont want to be typing.-ı even dont have the self-discipline to flos daily-
lets at least note down the floating keywords in my mind
story
process
body
documenting
as an atlas
or a map
(a travelogue, journal, or guide)
a title, a text, something to anchor, or start from to see the works
why potato, why plugs imprinted,
how they all relate to each other
illusion of the setting to look like the landscape
delicate-thin connections
the materiality of the maps on the wall

six feet under bölüm iki 6.03

i live in a shitty apartment which is supposed to be temporary
ı work in a job which was supposed to be temporary until ı figure out what i really wanted to do with my life
 ı even dont have the self-discipline to floss daily
http://yabancidiziizle.com/six-feet-under-1-sezon-1-bolum-kisim-2.html

ay üzerinde yürür gibi bir astronot edasıyla

öyle dağınık ortalık

ekselans derlerdi ıspartada ansızın rastlamıştım

cedilla-breve on stencil

maps-on-fabric

loosing the steam

at wrong times always.
only five days left for the installation, i feel lost, nervous.
how can I squeze my daily tinkerings into that huge, markless space, without any nicks, niches, cavities to fit in?
ı said to him, that it feels like they do belong to a different order. they seem like kits for survival. could be brought to light when needed. like the drugs in the shoe box, or the hammer in the tool box.
you will never know when you will need it, and so is filled our cupboards, drawers with all the stuff that is filled with stuff impossible to bring together otherwise.
daily thinkerings, "a moment in time", "residues of performances", "props"...
they rather can exist as documentation. it is so hard to sustain their physical existence.

ne anlatırsan onu buluyosun, dinliyosun sanki. bugün üç sene amerikada kalışını anlattı mesela. kök salamayacağımı, salmayacağımı biliyodum, geri döndüm dedi. sormadım belli bi sebepten mi geri dönmek zorunda olduğunu. ben dönmek zorunda olduğumu bildiğimden bi yerleşememek zorunda kaldığımı söylemiştim ona zira. ordan bağlandı diye düşünüyorum iki hikaye birbirine. belki azıcık yanılıyorumdur.
belki gidişim bu kadar net olmasa başka türlü olurdu burdaki kısa-uzun ikametim. şimdi ne bulunduğum yere ne de insanlara kök salmadan, günü-birlik, çok bağlanmadan, çok üzerinde durup budaklanmadan, gidişi zorlaştırmadan kalmaya çalışıyorum. sonra o kökleri alıp taşıması var zira.

slowly fading confidence, voice...

...replaced by atalet

t-here

oraya o kadar çabuk alışmak, adapte olmak, kaldığı yerden hiç takılmadan, zorlanmadan devam edebilmek.
orası biraz da alışkanlığın yeri, her türlü pisliğine de, kırılganlığına da, hayal kırıklığına da aşina olduğum yer.
bi kırgınlık olabilir belki ama tamamen bi kırılma olmaz sanki.
klavuza gerek kalmadan.
şimdi burada herşeyi tek başına yapmak lazım. sürekli tetikte, ayık-uyanık olmak lazım. havalanında oturup bavulları odanın kapısından içeri sokup açmayı reddetmem,kahveyi beğenmeyişim simidin yanına yakıştıramam ondan. şimdi bavul odanın içinde, kapının önünde girişe çıkışa mani duruyor. yarı dolu-boş.
uçakta "burası boş mu" dedim ocak günü atletiyle oturan kıza, kız hayır diyeyazdı alışkanlıkla "--çünkü burda burası boş mu demezsin, bu durumun sorusu ("is anyone sitting here" ya da is this seat taken  misal) bir hayır cevabı gerektirir eğer ki koltuk-sandalye-masa boşsa, ve senin  oturman için bi mani yoksa--sonra dediğimi duydu da evet dedi.

başkalarının alışkanlıklarını bozuyor benim başkalığım.

sonra "tanıdık bi huzur" ararken buluyo insan kendini, Leman Sam'ın uygunsuzca yaklaşması o hiç tanımadığı erkeğe ondan.,havaalanında yanımda sakız çiğneyen  çocuktan gelen damla sakızı kokusunun bana başka şeyleri, öte geceyi hatırlatması bundandır.

adını koyabilsem...

.m.na koyicim